Overcoming faith phobia

by Rochelle Melville

When you think of "stepping out in faith," do you experience any of the following symptoms:

• Pulse pounding in your ears and head;
• Can't seem to breathe;
• Dry mouth;
• Heart palpitations;
• Dizzy head, as though you might pass out;
• Mind racing but thoughts jumbled and confused;
• Tightness around your chest;
• Fear that if you can't escape the situation, you may die;
• Sweaty palms and underarms;
• An outright, terrifying, panic attack?

If you recognise any of these symptoms, you may have just self-diagnosed faith phobia.

Faith phobia is the fear of stepping out in faith. I know this phobia intimately, as I have experienced several significant attacks in my life. I have discovered that my phobia hardens my heart to God's voice, immobilises forward motion, stagnates and decreases my spiritual life, drains my enthusiasm and passion, and doesn't allow change to happen.

I've tried various treatments-everything from repeating inspirational Bible verses three times a day or as often as required, to "At-least-I'm-serving-just-don't-askme-to-do-anything-that-is-outside-mycomfort-zone." I've also tried more natural therapies too: parasailing, windsurfing, canoeing, rockclimbing, snorkelling, as well as scrambling up a few mountains and donating to charities.

For a few minutes, hours or even days after pushing my limits, I have felt on top of the world, invincible and full of courage.Then when I think about "stepping out in faith," my world shrivels to peanut size and I sit quaking with my Bible open on my lap, praying that I've misheard God.

Fear versus faith

Perhaps I have a split personality spiritually because despite the fear, at my core I have this dream to let God do something amazing with my life for His kingdom.

Patch Adams writes in his book Gesundheit! about dreaming big: "I'd like to introduce some of my friends . . . immense, vast, enormous, astronomical, tremendous, prodigious, stupendous, larger than life, infinite, mammoth, mastodonic, gigantic, gargantuan, herculean, Atlantean, jumbo, humungous, whopping, whacking, thumping, thundering, BIG."

I believe God calls us to incubate gigantic dreams for Him, saturating ourselves in His spirit and availing ourselves with reckless abandon to His individual calling on our life. It has to be a God-breathed dream though, not just a whim after a missionary makes an emotional call, wishful thinking or a concentration of mental powers. Sometimes, a dream or vision needs to marinate a while or we need to mature before God calls us to go ahead. But no matter what, a dream must be God-birthed. We must know what God is calling us to do.

How then do I reconcile these two emotions: faith and fear? It's a bit like a scene in The Matrix. Neo, the lead character, must decide whether to take the blue pill, enabling him to sleep soundly in a safe, ignorant world covered by a myth, or take the red pill, which will open his eyes wide to the realities of the warfare that is going on all around him and thus engage the enemy.

Maybe there is a spiritual blue pill: insipid, safe, tame, familiar, mundane, mediocre, average, materialistic, indifferent, self-sufficient, comfort zone, doubt, worry, fear and boat-sitting.

What if there is a red pill, too? Revolution, danger, adventure, wild and untamed, risk, sacrifice, uncertainty, humility, dependency, sycamore-climbing, selflessness, faith and boat-jumping-sink-or-swim-I'm-diving-in!

I've decided I have been dominated by fear for long enough. I have been given a God-breathed dream and I must carry it forward, or I risk being disobedient. Some fear remains but it's time for me to don my "Captain Courageous" cape and jump out of the cupboard, Sword of the Spirit held high. It is time to step forward, regardless of the consequences.

My phobia will never be conquered unless I put myself in the place where my phobia is manifest. I will need to feel the fear and do it anyway, for I cannot have both my ordinary, everyday life and a magnificent life of faith. I cannot have both safety and comfort, and a God-sized adventure. I cannot hold onto both faith and fear. I choose to give fear the flick. As Proverbs 14:26 reads, "In the fear of the Lord there is strong confidence" (NKJV).

Where's my miracle?

So we step out, full of Bible texts and faith stories. Then reality hits: we have bills due. On each occasion, we humbly meet with God and feel sure He will step in with a miracle to pay the bills supernaturally, as all our wallet contains is faith. At the close of business on several occasions, the bills were left unpaid to accrue interest and charges. What a shock: we'd never read a mission story where God failed to come through before.

At first, it doesn't make sense. Every book we'd read shared that men and women of great faith have their bills paid. So what about us, Lord? This is Your ministry, right?

We went back to our Bibles, we wrestled with God, I threw my questions at Him and we prayed for answers. I read back over my journal and every page reassured me that God wants us to step out boldly into this ministry, and that He will bless and provide.

I received an email from friends describing how God had just seemed to miraculously meet their mortgage payment and how they were in awe of how God has provided for them. I read their news with much joy for our friends, who are slogging it hard in a full-time faith ministry-but I also felt envious. Why weren't our bills paid? How does that song go? "What about me? It isn't fair. . . ."

I have come to the conclusion that I need to question the idea that God does provide every need if we just leap. If that was guaranteed, everyone would be leaping. If everyone was leaping and landing safely in the arms of God, it would not require faith-we would just all get in line, like we were lining up at a fast-food counter. If it were a guaranteed thing, no faith would be needed. It would not require any leaping: it would be more like running through a meadow while birds sang and the sun gently caressed.

But will our faith be tested and strengthened if it is all so easy and guaranteed? Faith is tested in dark valley-of-the-soul moments, when He has the big picture in mind. Although He never breaks His promises to be with us, He does let us be broken down.

When our preconceived ideas on faith and following Him are smashed to the ground, God can give us new insight and speak refreshment into our lives. In times of crisis and helplessness, God has our undivided attention. I have to conclude that God is more interested in changing us into his likeness than paying our bills. Maybe what God sees as supplying all my needs is different to what I perceive.

Although we spend time in the Word and in prayer, there are still times when God is silent. At these times, we stand at a crossroads. We have to choose to continue or choose to quit. We have to choose the red pill or the blue pill. We have to decide whether to follow the God-breathed vision, even though it doesn't make logical sense financially or emotionally to continue.

We are choosing to step out in faith each day, and take God's "silence" as an acknowledgment that we are maturing in our faith. We are making a faith choice, even when evidence and head logic says, Time to get a real job. We are choosing to spend as much time as possible serving and being obedient to our calling.

Those bills have now been paid, as well as the extra interest and charges, so God has been faithful and we have learned more about Him. We realise we must keep in our forethoughts the big picture and not hit the eject button until the Pilot tells us to.

Although I have more questions than answers when it comes to faith, I know we have come through the other side of the dark valley more determined than ever. This battle is a continuation of the battle started in heaven, now being played out on earth, in our homes and in our churches. Satan wants us to fear, our ministries to fail and for us to fall apart. But there is no way that Satan wins while we are trusting God and facing our fears.

Pressing on

I understand how dark and lonely it can be but hope you will be encouraged to choose God's way regardless. It's like having that phobia. We don't want to do the thing that makes us fear. We're afraid but we have to make a choice with our head, not our emotions. When we quiver inside, thinking "I'm afraid God will let us down again," sometimes we just have to decide to be faithful in our head and express faith, even when it feels wrong. We have to borrow courage from others and rely on God's track record of faithfulness.

God didn't send His beloved Son to die a cruel death to ensure we all have our bills paid and every indulgence satisfied. Rather, "Jesus came to ignite a fire within that would consume you and ignite you. Jesus the King came to fight for your heart. If He has won your heart, then to follow your heart will always lead you to follow the heart of God. He will always lead you to advance forward behind enemy lines to win the hearts of those who do not yet know Him or love Him" (Erwin McManus, The Barbarian Way).

It comes down to this: God is not so interested in the amount of faith we have or do not have. What God is interested in is our love for Him and how we express our love toward the people who mean so much to Him.

In response to the incredible love of God, this is our commitment:

We are willing to forsake our selfish dreams to go along a path that has never been trod, full of impossibilities, unknowns and uncertainties. Along the journey, there will be those who snigger and laugh outright-those who betray us and hurt us. There will be those who shake their heads at our inexperience and short comings-and we know we have many of those.

But this is not about us. It's about Him. We will be walking the journey because we want to touch the world for God. If just one person gets to know God because of us, then our journey will be honourable and pleasing to God. We are journeying because the lives we touch will be someone's son, father, wife, sister or friend.

We are certain God is working on us, transforming us and empowering us. God is supernatural and we know He is unequalled in strength. We will keep on going, even if the way is not financially prosperous or wealth calls us in a different direction. We will not turn back, look back, give up or give in.

Rochelle Melville writes from the Gold Coast, Queensland, where she and her husband recently started a ministry for at-risk young people.

This has been a feature from Record, August 1, 2009

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