When you hurt her, you hurt them
Adele Rowden-Johnson

Domestic or family violence is misusing our God-given power to intentionally or unconsciously injure another person, sexually, psychologically/emotionally, spiritually or physically, with the purpose to dominate and control. The abuse can be spontaneous or premeditated, isolated or habitual, and is always harmful. This behaviour is never God's will and, in reality, is the opposite of real love. Nothing will ever make it acceptable to interpret Scripture to justify abuse.

Vicarious childhood abuse can also have a detrimental effect on children who witness it, as if they are the actual victim. And, yes, this does happen in Adventist homes!

Jayne's* story

Heart pounding, Jayne was half asleep as she tried to see what had awakened her. She couldn't see anything but, as the muffled yelling penetrated the drumming of her heart, the familiar feelings of dread brought Jayne fully awake. Daddy was yelling at Mummy again!

Feeling sick to the stomach, Jayne pulled the bedclothes and pillow over her head in an attempt to drown out the ugly voices and words. With her thumb in her mouth, she curled into the foetal position. Jayne vowed to herself that she would always be a good little girl and when she married, she would do what her husband asked.

Jayne had often heard Daddy telling Mummy that if she were a better wife- like the Bible says-he wouldn't have to be on her case all the time. Jayne's parents had no idea she could hear their hostile arguments or that she believed she had to be "a better girl" to stop them. It was only years later when Jayne married a man like her dad that she realised the tears her mother experienced were of pain, shame and despair.

Even though Jayne was not the direct target of the emotional, spiritual and verbal abuse of her father, she did become a target. Her dad's abuse included Jayne in the pain and suffering of her mum.

Jerry's story

"No more!" Jerry's adolescent voice screamed, as he raced over and stood between his mum and his stepdad's raised hand. Jerry had watched his mother being hurt, suffering abuse at the hands and voice of this man for years and finally, he had had enough.

He was only 14 years old, and no match for the burly adult male. But his love for his mother, coupled with years of pent-up anger and frustration against his stepfather, gave him the courage to stand up to protect his mum. His unexpected defense against the odds prevailed as his stepdad immediately backed off, leaving both mother and son shaking, emotional wrecks.

"I hate him-I hate him," Jerry sobbed, as he put his hand on his mum's shoulder before running outside.

The years of suppressed anger, bitterness and hate took their toll on Jerry, as he slowly became enveloped in a dark cloud of depression where drugs became his only escape. Up to the age of 27, his self-control, relationships, social skills, negative attitude to God, education and the work place all suffered from the scars of witnessing the earlier abuse. When a parent abuses their spouse in the presence of their children, the children also become victims.

While the abuse was mostly directed at his mother, the arrows of abuse struck directly into Jerry's heart and mind as he also became a victim.

The younger victims

Superficially, the above abuse may not appear to be "too bad" but when we consider the impact on the children who witness domestic violence, we realise the terrible effect living with abuse has on them. Children who witness regular acts of violence have far greater behavioural and emotional problems than other children. When the abusive behaviour within families continues, the cycle of abuse too often perpetrates from generation to generation. Therefore, it is imperative to do everything humanly possible to stamp out, or at least mitigate, this horror when it manifests itself.

A few short-term effects on children witnessing domestic violence may include:

• Withdrawing from people or normal activities.
• Blaming themselves for the violence.
• Suffering stress-related illnesses-for example, stomach pains and headaches.
• Experiencing sleeping difficulties-for example, nightmares, sleep walking and insomnia.
• Regressing (reverting back to infantile behaviour)-for example, bed-wetting, thumb sucking and baby talk.
• Running away from home.
• Serious eating disorders.
• Antisocial behaviour-for example, stealing, lying and self-harm.
• Being an under- or over-achiever at school.
• Perpetrating bullying or becoming a vic-tim of bullying-either extreme is harmful to a child.
• Becoming early abusers of themselves, using drugs and alcohol.

Long-term effects on children witnessing domestic violence may include:

• Normalising abuse by believing it is acceptable to treat others in a degrading manner-even those you love. Thus the cycle perpetuates in the family, sibling against sibling.
• Copying their parental role models, consequently behaving in a destructive manner in their own adult relationships to each other and their children.
• Going to the opposite extreme in adult relationships and overprotecting their partner, resulting in disempowerment.
• Resorting to drug and alcohol abuse.
• Suicide.

Caring for child victims

Children must have stability in their lives if they are to develop a sense of self-worth. They need security and trust but in abusive households, there is no trust and minimal security. A victim who is "just hanging on" themselves often neglect their child's needs as they "act out" their pain or resort to drug and alcohol abuse. Such needs include: food, water, clothing, shelter, affection, warmth and safety. Depriving a child of any of their basic needs, for whatever reason, is abusive and unacceptable.

As parents, significant others or friends, the following can make a difference to assist in their healing from vicarious abuse.

• Reassure them they are not to blame for the violence and that it is wrong. Reinforce this by becoming a role model for resolving active abuses, including anger.
• Encourage them to talk openly about their feelings and respect these, even if it doesn't make sense to you. Remember, a child experiences emotions the same as an adult, only they are small, both in stature and experience.
• Tell them often how much you love them. Show them by your constant concern that you care for them. Children need lots of safe hugs and cuddles every day, even if at times you think they do not deserve it.
• Spend quality time with your children, showing them how much you are interested in them.
• Praise a child as often as possible and focus on their God-given gifts.
• Never tell a child they are "naughty" or "bad." Their actions may be unacceptable but remember, the child is a treasure as well as a special gift from heaven.
• Teach your children it is OK to fail. Even in failure, we learn. We don't all do everything equally well-so don't compare the child's abilities with their siblings or other people.
• Create a predictable environment for your children. They need the assurance that their basic needs will be met. Provide prompt medical and dental care, adequate food, sleep, protection and leisure when necessary.
• Ensure your children are safe and feel safe.
• Enlist a trusted adult to provide emotional support for your child.
• Seek professional help, when necessary, for all family members.

Remember Jerry? He finally recognised the damage to his personal stability, emotional, spiritual and mental health, then made the decision to have a better life. It took 10 years for Jerry to deal with his drug addiction. The journey was hard and he fell along the way but with the support he received from family, friends and professionals, and relying on the power of God above all, he was finally able to put the pain and ugliness of the past behind and begin anew. From innocent victim to triumphant survivor-by the grace of God!

Peter and Sue

It is easy to point the finger at men as the most abusive gender. Even though statistics indicate that it is usually men who are the perpetrators, consider the following story:

Thwack. Startled, the children watched as their mother raised her arm and punched their father in the stomach yet again. They should be used to the noise by now, as their mother had been hitting Dad for as long as they could remember. When they were little, their mother made their dad tell them it didn't hurt and that it was just a game. Now they were teenagers, they knew differently. They heard people talk behind Dad's back, questioning the type of man who allows his wife to beat him up.

Fifteen-year-old Peter was determined no woman would treat him like his mother treated his dad and he became known at school, as well as church, for bullying- especially females. His 13-year-old sister, Sue, caught the brunt of this bullying and withdrew into herself as her hurt intensified. She lost faith in God because she felt He hadn't heard her prayers. The only relief from her pain came when she deliberately hurt herself but this relief only lasted for a short time.

Even though Peter and Sue were not the direct targets of the physical and emotional abuse heaped on their dad, they became victims. Their mum's abuse automatically included them in the pain and suffering their mother delivered to their dad.

Back to God's plan

Don't give up! There is a way out of the ugly situation you are in. Children need both parents but they need both parents pulling in the same direction. If this does not occur, it is necessary to ask yourself- "how much damage are we doing to our children?" Only then can you decide what is the best decision for you to make-stay in the situation you are in, make it so your child will no longer suffer emotional abuse or leave so your child is safe.

All the above incidents and consequences could have been avoided had the parents understood God's plan for marriage. With God's help, all things are possible. Safety, coupled with forgiveness will provide emotional and spiritual healing. By God's grace they are all within reach.

God's plan for marriage and parenting was that two individuals, a male and a female, become a unit of one. As they treat each other as they individually would like to be treated, the bond of unity should strengthen. They will become firmly welded together by God's blessing. When this occurs, there is little chance of abuse to each other or to their children.

*All names have been changed.

This has been a feature from Record, February 7, 2009